The feeling of belonging is a product of a feeling of contribution – the feeling of being of use to someone. That is one of the main ideas in the book “The Courage to be Disliked” and it is quite a fascinating one. I often think about happiness, I don’t really know what it is yet, but reading personal development books like this one has helped me a lot.
Another thing that has helped me explore the happiness concept is listening to people like Ryan Holiday, Ali Abdaal, Jordan Peterson, Marcus Aurelius, Jay Shetty. etc. All these guys are quite focused on exploring the meaning of life and living a fulfilling and happy life. They explore it in different ways but they are all working together, whether they want it or not, to help people like me get closer to an answer.
Do You HAVE THESE MEMORIES?
The first thing that popped into my head when I read the quote “Happiness is the feeling of contribution to others” was memories from when I worked as part of a team either in sports or in my workplace. I’ve journaled about this a lot and the reason I love practicing sport so much is that I truly feel a sense of community there.
I love how we all help each other and work together towards a common goal. We all contribute to each other. I vividly remember the joy I felt when I was the one responsible for bringing the footballs, the cones, and filling the water bottles for the whole team. Every week there would be a different person responsible for taking care of those crucial things. The responsibility the coaches put on me to do that task mattered to me. I felt a feeling of contribution to the community. I didn’t care if people knew I was the one who sorted it all out, and I noticed a lot of my teammates also didn’t seek that validation or that “thank you”.
I’ve had this feeling in my workplace too. I’ve been working part-time at Tesco for a long time while I do my studies (currently finishing my Masters in Nutrition) and even though it is a very simple job I do feel useful when I help a customer out or when I help my colleagues with one of their tasks.
Has this ever happened to you?
Do you ever get home after a day’s work particularly happy for no apparent reason and wonder “Why am I so happy right now?” When this happened to me, I re-lived my day in my head and I noticed that I’d had a lot of interactions and contributed a lot to other people’s tasks. On the days when I was just busy with my own work and was of no use to nobody, I didn’t feel the same level of happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I love working independently and I am an introvert myself, contributing to others doesn’t always mean you socialize with them. For example, when you donate money you aren’t really socializing with the people but you are contributing.
SHOULD WE LIVE IN THE SAME CITY FOREVER?
But if Happiness = Feeling of Belonging + Contribution to a Community does that mean whenever we settle into a community we should sit tight and never let go? If one is comfortable and has made good friends at their workplace, should they never leave? How does that work? I think this is a battle between comfort and growth. My perspective is that we can only grow by exposing ourselves to new environments. We can only make new friends by meeting new people. We can only find a new good place to live by moving away from the one we are currently on. But does that mean that by choosing to do such a thing one would be choosing growth over happiness?
Moving to a new country/city means you are leaving the community you are currently in, and you will need to integrate into a new one. We can integrate into a new community wherever we go, right? There are people everywhere who are willing to take you in. The question is, are we willing to make the effort and contribute to a new community in order to integrate again?
My REAL-LIFE EXAMPLE
I joined my first Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ) gym in 2022 after 4 years of not practising sports. During those 4 years, I dedicated my time to the gym, the gym was my focus. I remember the feeling of deciding to go try out my first bjj class. I was super nervous, I didn’t know how others would take me in, I didn’t know if I was going to fit in or if I was going to look stupid there as a completely new beginner. Those were the thoughts in my head.
Now that I think of it, I was afraid of not being able to belong to their community. The sport looked super interesting, but if I failed to build relationships and integrate I wouldn’t have stayed. However, I clearly remember feeling welcomed by the coach and everyone, that was what kept me going. Then I fell in love with the sport, and I fell in love with training, now the community feeling is just too strong. We all help each other out, we contribute to each other’s learning and growth, and we correct each other’s mistakes.
IS REJECTION OUR BIGGEST FEAR?
I think that when we are afraid of joining a new group, or when we don’t want to talk to a stranger, it is because we are afraid of rejection, of being inadequate and of not finding a place where we can belong. We think that if that group rejects us is because we aren’t good enough and if that’s the case no other group will take us in. No group would take in a person who isn’t good enough, right? It’s such a fear-driven, pessimistic way of thinking, but it is real. It has happened to all of us.
Do you have a place where you feel this feeling of belonging? Where you are happy to contribute and feel useful to somebody?
That seems to be a good goal to have in life. To be of use to someone, as Jay Shetty puts it – to be of service. Serving others is the path to happiness. If you haven’t got a place like that yet, I would suggest you try to adapt this new way of thinking – to be of service. Be of service to someone and ask nothing in return.
This can be done in simple things. For example, cleaning the table after your parents are done eating, washing the dishes without anyone asking, ask your colleagues if there’s anything you can help them with. Here’s the key: Don’t ask for anything in return. Not even a thank you, like Gary Vee puts it – when we get hurt by other people it’s always because we had expectations. So don’t. Don’t create expectations about rewards or validation. Don’t create resentment if they don’t appreciate your efforts. You are doing it for yourself, the act in itself is enough to make you happy.
The idea the authors explore in the book “The Courage to be Disliked” is that if you do it with the rewards in mind you aren’t doing it for the sake of contribution and to be of service. You are doing it for the reward which will not generate long-term happiness, you will be too vulnerable to other people’s decisions. If they decide to thank you you are happy if they don’t you are unhappy. Your happiness shouldn’t depend on other people’s moods.
Wrap UP
Hope you found this one useful!
If you’ve read this far, I want to thank you! I appreciate your support and I wish you all the best. In case you want to read more about the subject of happiness you should read this post: The Happiness Trap. If you want a book recommendation about happiness and meaning I suggest you read about the Japanese concept – Ikigai – here’s a book that helped me out: Ikigai, Amazon.
Remember, take responsibility for your life, and don’t sleep-walk your way in life.
Best wishes,
Martim
